Fears

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear." - H.P. Lovecraft

       A maroon Jeep pulled up slowly in front of our house and stopped. I was paralyzed on the spot. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe, all I could do was watch the window as it rolled slowly down...to reveal some random chick that decided that the street right in front of our house was a good place to park. It was only a few seconds after this that I came to my senses and realized how stupid I was being. The car that I was so afraid of had been sold so many years ago for a white sedan... So I have no idea why I thought of him when I saw that car. I only began to relive the pain that he caused, the fear that I'm obviously not over. I think I slept the best when he was in jail, or nowhere to be found at all. But to know that he walks around as a free man is something that still haunts me occasionally. But being afraid really just pisses me off....

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."--- Frank Herbert, Dune       Being afraid in general kinda sucks. Being afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of trying. I fall into most of those categories. What's the point of trying when only failure awaits you. But regret is a hell of a thing to carry around with you as well. Being so afraid of being alone that instead you find yourself next to someone that you feel is safe, moreso than being with the person that you feel is right for you, a person that you love. No, you settle for i'm in-settled-for-love with you.... I don't wanna be alone, and I might not find anyone better, I'll stick with you to be safe. I've had that feeling before. “Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you."      I've only been in love once in my life, and it was a hard thing to. I was scared, I was told that I shouldn't settle down with the first guy that paid any sort of attention to me. That admonition scared me. What if he was only with me to lure me into having sex with him? What if he was just living through a typical teen movie that involves a bet, and I was his ugly duckling? Up to that point I had absolutely no experience with guys. Unless you count the time when I had a date to a prom at my mom's high school...until she gave him a D. I guess I wasn't so appealing anymore. The closest thing to a compliment from a guy I can remember from HS is when one guy saw a picture of my sister and saying, "She's really pretty, what happened to you?" So even years later, when I get random guys asking for my # and can they take me on a date, I don't ever think that I will trust them...guys that is. I am still afraid that at the end of the day I am the butt of some unknown prank being played by the universe. So now after being with the same AWESOME guy for 5 years and some months, why can't I trust him either? Is it strange to not trust his judgement just because I know he loves me? Is he blind to my "obvious" imperfections because his hormones are telling him that I am perfectly fine the way I am? Who knows.... Why are guys such a disappointment in this department? Why can you walk out in an outfit that took you an hour to put together (ew, totally don't do this) and get the same reaction as if you poured yourself out of bed, ran a brush through your hair, and headed for the door? Um, could you quash my irrational fears of being left due to not meeting your high demands of perfection? No? All I get is a "nice"? This is why we argue.... Cuz I fear that I am the fat ugly chick that you secretly laugh about with all of your friends (which is awkward since we have the same friends), but your answer to all of that is "you look fine". Along the same vein, fear to make friends is a large burden to bear. How can you share yourself with a person that you expect to stab you in the back at the most opportune moment. Now fortunately, I do not call many of these people my "friends", but far to many of them are my "family".... By chance or by choice, these people have the ability to leave you as soon as you reveal your true self to them. How do you overcome that fear anyway? For me, part of that is writing this blog. Whether those people will ever see my thoughts, they have been birthed into the universe (and the internet), never to be unknown or unseen again. And while this may have it's costs, I feel that the gain from the people I trust most will be worth it. If I lose a few frenemies in the process, well good to know, I probably didn't like you anyway, you just couldn't take a hint. And while they call me Veracidad, I do OCCASIONALLY try to spare people feelings... (no one seems to believe this!) Is it my fault that I sometimes say what others keep inside their heads?