Do Something Crazy!!!

So, I get this feeling often, the urge to just go out and do something crazy like get tatted up or shave my head, get something pierced, something that makes me feel ALIVE!!!! It's crazy, I know. And fortunately for everyone involved, I don't actually go out in a drunken haze and do this type of stuff. But then other times I totally regret not doing this stuff when I was in college, I wasn't looking for a job, or trying to be a respectable part of our boring society. I REGRET NOT BEING CRAZIER!!! Now that I am 1 month shy of being 24, I feel like I'm too old to go out and be a rebellious teenager that comes home with oddly colored hair, my lip pierced, and my boyfriend's name permanently written right above my ass (ok, that last part would NEVER happen, it's against my beliefs). So then recently I hear this awesome Avril Lavigne song, "What the Hell", and the lyrics totally speak to me!!!! Not the 'cheating on my man and making out w/ his friends' part, but the chorus:

All my life I've been good but now, 

I'm thinking 'What the hell' 

All I want is to mess around, 

and I don't really care about 

If you love me, if you hate me, 

you can't save me, baby, baby 

All my life I've been good but now, 

whoa 'What the hell' 

I can seriously relate to this sentiment!!! I'm tired of living up to certain people's expectations of me instead of the expectations that I set for me! Now, those my take some time to get figured out, but that's what self-discovery is all about. Now I doubt very seriously that I will come home with my lip pierced anytime soon (my parents would kill me) or a mohawk (my parents AND my boyfriend would kill me), but I think the next major change in my appearance will be a new cut and dye job a la Rihanna before she got beat and proved to be a little whacko. I'm talking her "Shut Up and Drive" hairdo! I love love LOVE that cut, it's so me. And the awesomeness grows exponentially with the fact that she has BLUE streaks on each side. I'm pretty partial to pink and/or purple (HOLLA), but I feel like the blue would fit me pretty well. It's slightly more neutral in my opinion, and since it's also pretty dark, I can get by with the Normies, and they might not notice the super hardcore closeted RoCkStAr in their midst! And of course since it would only be streaks, there are tons of ways I could potentially do this without even having to bleach any of my hair. Getting blue extensions sewed-in is one way to go, but not really my thing. I'd have to find someone to do it for me. The other option is to find some clip-in extensions, take them with me when I get my hair cut, and clip them in when I feel like being daring. I feel like this is the easy way out, but this may be the route to take if I want this 'do to be reversible. 

The tat is another thing on the to-do list. No, I don't think I want a monstrosity that covers 1/3 of my back anymore, but I feel like a small inconspicuous something that has serious meaning to me (stuck with it for life) would be acceptable. Now to pick a spot that won't stretch and sag 30 years from now. I've seen naked octogenarians (against my will), gotta be careful where ya pick! Even though I am pretty sure I would be okay with these minor body modifications, the more cautious (read:wussy) side of me is still weighing all of the options here. The pros, the cons, will I get thrown out and have the locks changed behind me...You know the deal, living at home with parents that you still have to ask for money and possibly a ride to go out. The sucktasticness of the situation is not lost on me. I also have to make sure that these "improvements" are just caused by my insecurities, and won't just make the situation worse. 

I know I have my issues with myself and my body, but I don't think that I am one of those people that will one day be addicted to painting my face for war every time I step out of my front door, and can't take out the trash without my eyeliner and mascara. I LOVE EYESHADOW!!!! Is it a crime? I know I look fine without having my eyelids the same color as my clothing... SO WHAT?!?!?! I like it!!! I'm not (i hope) forming some kind of complex, I really just like using my eyes as a canvas for me expressing myself. It's the same reason I feel more comfortable in my glasses than wearing contacts, you know besides the fact that I'm lazy. I don't wanna have to keep explaining myself! Yes, I can go outside with my face completely bare. Yes, I find it more fun to wear outrageous colors that match my clothes, or if I'm feeling super awesome then it's matching my shoes too! GET OFF MY BACK!

So I think I am gonna make a decision now: Starting on my birthday this year, I will be working on my New Year's Resolution: DO WHAT THE HELL I WANT (within reason, of course)!!! So until then, I will be shopping around to a tattoo artist, a hairstylist, a car, and a job (gotta have funds to be a rebel), and I will try to be even more of the Veracidad that you all know and love (or love to hate on). Be more of the me that I envision me being, be happy with myself the way God made me/gave me the free will to change, and fully exercise the ability to tell anyone that doesn't like it to kiss my well-endowed, disproportionate ass!

Urban Dictionary

http://www.urbandictionary.com/

People keep using vernacular around me, and although I can figure out what they mean from context clues, I still have to wonder what the hell they are talking about!!! Who comes up with some of this crap?!?! Although I have always been intrigued by etymology, some of today's pop culture language baffles me, and I wonder how it ever caught on:

kick rocks= To tell someone to leave, in the same sense of 'fuck off' or 'get outta here'

What the hell? How does this make sense? If we are mutually angered and you tell me to kick rocks, I will... AT YOU!!! I guess you mean I will be kicking up rocks by how quickly I am moving away from you? No clue.

Thirsty= to be overly eager to get someone or something; desperate

Ok, so whhat if I am really just thirsty? I just ran a half-mile in the sun, you bet I'm thirsty. I'm desperate for WATER! That's the word that means I need something to drink! If this convention is followed across the board, then hungry could also be used, and should make just as much (or as little) sense.

Ex: I hate hungry bitches, they take all my food. 

Am I being hip/cool, or did I really just want my deep dish pizza to myself? The world may never know! BWAHAHAHA {evil laughter}!!!

Kill yourself (see also: kill yo'self)= This is a term used when someone is engaging in or displaying behavior/belief/attitude so incredibly ridiculous/ignorant/ass-backwards that the only possible solution to propose is to strongly suggest that they eliminate themselves from existence.

A bit extreme, isn't it? Yes, they did something that annoys the crap outta you, yes you feel like they were (repeatedly) dropped on their head as a child. Does anyone reall just deserve to die for their stupidity? There's no coming back from death, unless your name is Jesus and you have an uncanny ability to turn water into wine.

Any others?

Fears

"The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear." - H.P. Lovecraft

       A maroon Jeep pulled up slowly in front of our house and stopped. I was paralyzed on the spot. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe, all I could do was watch the window as it rolled slowly down...to reveal some random chick that decided that the street right in front of our house was a good place to park. It was only a few seconds after this that I came to my senses and realized how stupid I was being. The car that I was so afraid of had been sold so many years ago for a white sedan... So I have no idea why I thought of him when I saw that car. I only began to relive the pain that he caused, the fear that I'm obviously not over. I think I slept the best when he was in jail, or nowhere to be found at all. But to know that he walks around as a free man is something that still haunts me occasionally. But being afraid really just pisses me off....

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."--- Frank Herbert, Dune       Being afraid in general kinda sucks. Being afraid of failure, afraid of success, afraid of trying. I fall into most of those categories. What's the point of trying when only failure awaits you. But regret is a hell of a thing to carry around with you as well. Being so afraid of being alone that instead you find yourself next to someone that you feel is safe, moreso than being with the person that you feel is right for you, a person that you love. No, you settle for i'm in-settled-for-love with you.... I don't wanna be alone, and I might not find anyone better, I'll stick with you to be safe. I've had that feeling before. “Every man is afraid of something. That's how you know he's in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you."      I've only been in love once in my life, and it was a hard thing to. I was scared, I was told that I shouldn't settle down with the first guy that paid any sort of attention to me. That admonition scared me. What if he was only with me to lure me into having sex with him? What if he was just living through a typical teen movie that involves a bet, and I was his ugly duckling? Up to that point I had absolutely no experience with guys. Unless you count the time when I had a date to a prom at my mom's high school...until she gave him a D. I guess I wasn't so appealing anymore. The closest thing to a compliment from a guy I can remember from HS is when one guy saw a picture of my sister and saying, "She's really pretty, what happened to you?" So even years later, when I get random guys asking for my # and can they take me on a date, I don't ever think that I will trust them...guys that is. I am still afraid that at the end of the day I am the butt of some unknown prank being played by the universe. So now after being with the same AWESOME guy for 5 years and some months, why can't I trust him either? Is it strange to not trust his judgement just because I know he loves me? Is he blind to my "obvious" imperfections because his hormones are telling him that I am perfectly fine the way I am? Who knows.... Why are guys such a disappointment in this department? Why can you walk out in an outfit that took you an hour to put together (ew, totally don't do this) and get the same reaction as if you poured yourself out of bed, ran a brush through your hair, and headed for the door? Um, could you quash my irrational fears of being left due to not meeting your high demands of perfection? No? All I get is a "nice"? This is why we argue.... Cuz I fear that I am the fat ugly chick that you secretly laugh about with all of your friends (which is awkward since we have the same friends), but your answer to all of that is "you look fine". Along the same vein, fear to make friends is a large burden to bear. How can you share yourself with a person that you expect to stab you in the back at the most opportune moment. Now fortunately, I do not call many of these people my "friends", but far to many of them are my "family".... By chance or by choice, these people have the ability to leave you as soon as you reveal your true self to them. How do you overcome that fear anyway? For me, part of that is writing this blog. Whether those people will ever see my thoughts, they have been birthed into the universe (and the internet), never to be unknown or unseen again. And while this may have it's costs, I feel that the gain from the people I trust most will be worth it. If I lose a few frenemies in the process, well good to know, I probably didn't like you anyway, you just couldn't take a hint. And while they call me Veracidad, I do OCCASIONALLY try to spare people feelings... (no one seems to believe this!) Is it my fault that I sometimes say what others keep inside their heads?

First Blog

Yay, so I have been sucked into the self-centered blogosphere. The place where everyone writes because what they have to say is so important that everyone in the world needs to be able to read it. Well I guess I am no different. After dealing with so many people in the recent past that take 2 second to "know my intentions", I decided to say fuck 'em, if they wanna know me they can read how dumb I think they are and know exactly how I feel instead of letting them jump to their own WRONG conclusions and assumptions.This is also a safe haven where I can write about how big of a slut my mom thinks I am or how I wanna kill myself (planned it many times for the hell of it, don't have the balls to try it, not interested in dying) and I don't have to get calls @ 5am from my family telling me to take it down. I say things that cross my mind, sue me...

Occasionally I might give a damn and write about music or my poetry or something, I guess you'll have to keep reading to find out.