To me, it seems difficult to maintain that self control is only based on what you think of yourself. This is because a lot of times, how you see yourself depends upon how those closest to you view you. Especially when they are vocal on sharing their opinion. One such case for me is my mom. While I have never really been the rebellious teen, I have over the past few years realized that I have been disappointing myself due to the fact that I feel like I haven't been being myself, just what I wanted people to see of me.The instances are fairly small, but still they nag me when i feel like I am denying a part of myself that I want to show. I hid my clothing from my parents, snuck around to hang out with my friends, and hid things about myself that I felt would disappoint them. I got my belly button pierced in 2007 and have been doing all I can to keep them from finding out. I've also always wanted a tattoo but I have yet to get one on the chance that my they will see it and I will get a lecture. I guess there really isn't much more they could do, but the thought of disappointing my parents is still a tough one for me.
I think my mom secretly hates me. She always has something negative to say about me: the way my hair is cut, the way I dress, my makeup. It's really frustrating to deal with, especially when I don't know why she hates it so much. Perfect example is our first interaction of yesterday. This is what I looked like:
When she saw me, the first comment she made to me was not a hello or how are you, instead it was, "With all of that mess on your face, you look like a clown." Does it really look that bad? I clearly didn't think so when I left home! This isn't the first time that I've worn this exact same look. Additionally, I actually got a few compliments while I was out. I like to play in makeup, I think it gives me an outlet to express my creativity and love of bright colors. But when I get comments like that, it's hard to ignore it and keep doing my own thing. It makes me never even want to be seen putting on makeup or wearing it in her presence. She also commented on my new haircut, which she does every time I get a new haircut. To add insult to injury, this morning she commented that my hair was gonna be as short as my dad's. When I confusedly asked he r explain what she meant, she went on to say that every time my hair starts breaking off I get it cut (duh, that's what you're supposed to do to keep your hair from splitting and breaking more). What made the comment hurtful was the way she made it seem that the problem was not that I wasn't taking taking care of my hair, it was that I cut it to get rid of the breaking ends. I don't think that she realizes that it's hard for me to see my hair falling on the floor around my feet. I've always wanted longer hair, so to have to cut some of it off in order to get it to grow more is a hard but necessary evil in my opinion.
Another thing that I have been constantly criticized about is my clothing. I'm a typical female in my 20s. I wear jeans and tees, and miniskirts and heels. I hate getting the look like I'm being a slut due to the fact that my mom and grandma think that wearing jeans and a spaghetti-strap top is being "half-dressed". I remember once when I was younger, I went outside in my PJs to check the mail. My mom told me if I ever went outside like that again (t-shirt and shorts) that she would burn every pair of shorts that I owned. While she has grown from being that person, I have never forgotten that moment, and I think it has partially shaped our mother-daughter relationship. The first time I ever wore jeans in front of my parents may have been my second year of college. Even now, I hide my clubwear at the top of my closet and only wear it when she won't see me. it feels pretty crappy to have to hide myself, but dealing with the ramifications is sooo not worth it right now. Maybe one day when I move out and have my own place and own money, things will change.
Having older sisters does not help the situation. My older sister complains about my parent's over zealous strictness, but will not say anything about it because she feels that it should be unnecessary. Yes, they realize I'm not a little kid, but I guess they still feel the need to protect me and know my every move. I don't even go out much to Latin Dance night much anymore because I hate having to justify going out alone. I'm sorry I'm a loser with no friends to go out with. Maybe if I had been allowed to go out, I would have friends! Instead, the people I still talk to from college are several states away. Just yesterday, I told another of my sisters that I wanted to come with her to the salon to get highlights. She was cool with this until I told her I was having trouble deciding between PURPLE and BLUE. I'm young, can't try something a little crazy? It's not like I was dying my hair, it was just temporary! She texts back and is like "What! Oh no, you must mean a lighter brown or black highlights" Um no... those things sound nothing alike.
Whatever, I'm working on my self-esteem only coming from self, and the people that know the real me. Like Cartman said on South Park, "Whatever! I do what I want!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZLVi4v7lSM
I think you are awesome! PS This background is so you! lol
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