Hard Out There For A Pimp...

Ever felt like you aren't the person that people see when they look at you? I'm sure the answer is 'yes' for just about 99.9% of the people that will ever ponder that question. The tougher part of that comes in when you decide why the answer is yes. Is it because they only assume what you are without getting to know you in order to learn the truth? Is it because who you are on the inside is not what you show to the public? Is it because you are not sure who the real you is? I'm sure one of those has been the case for everyone at least once. The last of those is the hardest to figure out. What do you do when you feel like the person you are is not the person you were born? In the case of transgendered individuals, many dress as the gender they identify with and eventually have a gender reassignment surgery. Difficult journey? DEFINITELY! But insurmountable? Certainly not...

What is there to do about being born into a culture that feels foreign to you? What type of surgery is there to remedy this? As culture is a learned societal behavior, what is there to do? You learn your culture and you live accordingly, but let's say you pick up certain characteristics that are borrowed from a group that you were not born into? As I was perusing the latest issue of LATINA magazine, I read an article that addressed the unique challenges faced by Afro-Latinas. The article spoke VOLUMES to me!!! It talked about how for decades, there had to be a choice between being Black or Hispanic, often being ostracized by both groups, often being stereotyped based on skin color, hair texture, whatever. I've had stuff like that happen to me, even as recent as last Friday night as I was carrying out my weekly ritual of getting my bachata(hate it, but it'sgrowing on me)-salsa-merengue on. Barely a night goes by where a guy will ask me where I'm from, and where in the world did I learn to move like that because, "you dance so well!" I always feel like that sentence trails off to...'for someone that looks like you'. I've had guys that sit and talk about me to my face in Spanish because of course no entiendo. On the flip side I have had 2 different guys walk up to me and ask, "Quiere bailar?" This didn't really bother me, since I understood the question, but a tiny part of me wondered did they assume that I also spoke Spanish since I had the dance part of the culture down? My loving boyfriend tells me that I'm just being paranoid, and reading too much into the situation. I'm trying to see it that way, and forget about it. I can't control what people think of me when they meet me, and I'm sure these guys aren't approaching with malice, I guess most of the time I'm just being sensitive.

Here's the fun part! Even though I have these Afro-Latina experiences, I do not fit the category! As far as I know, all of my most recent ancestors (except one of my great-great grandfather, whom I hear was white) are "100%" Black. And I guess I may have the proverbial Indian blood, but that's it. The only Latina heritage that I can lay claim to is the fact that I have studied Spanish since I was in 2nd grade, I love salsa and merengue, I have taken several trips to Mexico, and once studied abroad in Ecuador for the best 3 weeks of my life. So if culture is what I make it, then who am I? I'm Black, there's no negotiation there, but if you ask me am I apart of the culture, my only answer is that I feel it in my blood.

Today is not the first time I've faced this conundrum in my life, I feel like I'm too much of so many things to just be defined by any one of those things alone. I need a title like Black-almost-latina-likes-sushi-ramen-and Korean-but speaks-Spanglish-and-loves-merengue. Too long, right? I think just writing it down helps me deal with it though. All those things make up the reality of who I am. Even if that's not who people see when they look at me, I need to always make sure that I see this person every time I look in the mirror. I need to make sure the woman I see there is proud to be all of those things. Make sure that I have pride in who who I am, and embrace ALL of the culture that I have chosen for myself.

After all, several very wise women stated the fact that, "Cultura es Orgullo, Orgullo es Exito", "Culture is Pride, Pride is Success"!

Shall We Dance?

So, minor breakdown today... For some reason I was on this music video kick today, I watched "Love Sex Magic" with Ciara and JT. Then I watched "Bad Girl, Good Girl" by Miss A (awesome Korean group, if you've never heard it, youtube it), and then finished it off with a few songs by PCD. This led me to miss dancing immensely!!! While I have only taken 2 formal dance class in college, I have always been drawn to dance. As a musician (or former musician, I guess) I have always been drawn to music and when I hear a good beat I can't help but want to get up and bust a move! I've always wanted to take dance, and regret that my mom made me quit tap in elementary because she was tired of hearing me practice (who does that?). I love just about any kind of dance, but my absolute favorite right now is merengue! It has a great beat and is super easy to learn. I don't get to go out much as I would like since I hate going out alone, plus it's prolly not the safest thing in the world for a female going out in the middle night alone :(

The downside of going out when friends are in town is that my boyfriend seems to hate dancing. This is always a tough situation to be in because I don't want to seem like I am disrespecting him by dancing with other guys right in his face, but when I hear the music it makes me feel like I'm slowly dying inside to sit on the sidelines and do nothing. I don't know exactly when this happened, but it did. Music is in my body and soul, and dance is it's escape route to the outside world when I can't control it anymore. Maybe one day I'll convince him to love dance as much as I do, or at least get him to take classes with me so that he won't be as self-conscious and he'll know a few moves to bust out on the dance floor. Until then, we we'll be a living incarnation of N.E.R.D's song, "She Wants to Move".

So feelings all these different emotions swirling today kind of set me off in a whirlwind of depression today, but the bright side is that I started looking into a few dance classes that I can take. Maybe a daily dose of Zumba or getting back into Friday night Latin Night downtown can cure me of this funk I've been in.